Remember kids, it’s not a true burn if there are grammatical errors.
If a woman is in Lowe’s buying a plunger, she doesn’t want to be hit on. She’s dealing with enough shit already.
Every time I think I’ve got my diet under control, they come out with some new and tastier way to make me fat.
My kid told her teacher that we were late because her Mom had to poop and I see why some animals eat their young.
Nothing will convince you to never have kids quite like having one.
I’m making chili this weekend so if anyone wants some, I suggest you make some too.
I cross my legs because I’m a lady and classy and I really need to pee.
*moves $124 to an offshore bank account*
Yes, I wear this shirt a lot. It’s my shirt that I purchased and I own a washing machine. Amazing.
All these late nights solving solved crimes on forensic files is aging me.