“did I catch you at a bad time?”
– yeah, I’m awake and I’m sober
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me: [playing musical chairs]
wife: have you tried learning an actual instrument?
If the Pottery Barn didn’t want me to bring my goat in the store, they shouldn’t have called it a barn.
*walks outside*
Its real quiet.. Almost too quiet.
*looks around*
*lights BBQ*
*1000 Dads emerge from nowhere giving generic BBQ advice*
[trying to sneak a water bottle through security]
TSA agent: Good evening sir
Me: Nothing
It’s widely known that some members of a prison population become well-read and crafty with words.
Sometimes you can mix prose with cons.
I wanted to hear the pitter-patter of little feet so now my cats wear tap shoes.
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
*Bites werewolf*
Me: At every sunrise you will transform into middle management.
Werewolf: No!
Me: And you will go to bed at a reasonable time…EVERY NIGHT.
Is it still an alien abduction if I packed a suitcase?
I have a stomach ache and my husband is mad at me for eating the peanut butter out of the mouse traps.
Having someone sing you to sleep is sooo comforting . . . until you realize you are the only one in the room.
your honor, what are you doing after this. the dating apps aren’t working for me
going to red lobster does anyone need any red lobsters
If by yoga you mean reaching the outlet to plug in my charger without getting out of bed, then yes, I do yoga
The most valuable thing I have taught my kid is to answer the door for me and immediately tell the person that mommy is busy while I’m hiding around the corner.
Me: 🙂
Facial recognition: nope, don’t see it
Me: 😐
Facial recognition: noooo?
Me: 🤨
Facial recognition: no
Me: 😒
Facial recognition: mayyybe??? nvm, no
Me: 🥴
Facial recognition: THERE YOU ARE
*phone rings
15: I hope it’s him!
*phone rings
25: hope it’s about the job
*phone rings
35: (handing phone to stranger) i died. tell them
autocorrect: Dan!
me: No no, autocorrect, this is my DAD, we know him.
autocorrect: *growling* Dan.
me: *spritzing my phone with water* NO
I had the whole English language available to me and I used “weirdo” twice. But when you’re confronted with a weirdo…well that’s why we have the word weirdo.
Give me a minute, I’m still fighting the urge to bless a stranger who sneezed
My boss said I couldn’t bring my dog into the office so I had to tie him to a tree outside. He’s not happy about it but it’s cool being in the office with my dog.
Every smiling face in a conga line is pleading with you, “Please join our conga line, or we’ll feel stupid.” I didn’t start this mess. Get yourselves out of it.
“Bro I hate my eyebrows”
“You serious bro?”
“I think they’re too big, bro”
“Bro, with your face shape, they perfectly frame your eyes. I would kill for your brows, bro”
“Bro :’)”
me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok i’ll take one*later*
duck: quick!
me: i see
*Corrects the grammar on your Christmas card and mails it back*
To everyone who mocked me for keeping my old maternity pants for so long … who’s laughing now
i forgot the term for sell-by date and called it a spoiler alert
I believe meat is murder, vegetables are burglary, bread is mail fraud and dairy is impersonating a police officer.
who called it an octopus not an armarmarmarmarmarmarmarmadillo