I bet jellyfish are sad that there are no peanut butter fish.

No YOU’VE been drinking.


Me: That was fun! Fist me!

Him: What?!

Me: Fist me!! *holds out knuckles*

Him: …..


Me singing: Then I saw her face!! Now I’m a Beliber! Not a trace of doubt in my mind!

Roommate: You DO know that’s a guy…right?


Me: Gouda would pair nicely with this merlot!

Priest: This is communion…

M: Oh. Gouda would taste well with the blood of Chr-

P: Leave.


Brain: He mentioned marriage again. You know what to do.

*sets phone on fire*


“I love potatoes! They are delicious and so versatile. If only they could get me laid…”

-how vodka was born


Fried potatoes
Mashed potatoes
Baked potatoes
Twice baked potatoes
Potato chips

-if Bubba grew up on a potato farm instead of a shrimp boat


My mom accidentally killed my boyfriend this weekend. She didn’t recognize him when she was canning pickles.


Luke: Lightsabers cut through anything.

Ninja: So does a samurai sword.

L: But does it make a cool noise?

N: *cuts off Luke’s other hand*


Waking up an hour early gives you an extra hour to wish you were still in bed.