@iLikeCatShirts Boss: what should we call the lower cabinet in the corner that swivels?
Bonnie (who hates Susan): I have an idea.
@iLikeCatShirts Me [trying to sound intellectual]: okay, okay which came first turkey the bird or Turkey the *points at map*
@iLikeCatShirts It’s that pottery scene from Ghost except it’s me standing behind the Subway sandwich artist helping him make my sandwich.
@iLikeCatShirts Boxing is like a dance, a dance where you punch your dance partner until he doesn’t want to dance anymore.
@iLikeCatShirts It’s that scene from footloose where Kevin Bacon is angry dancing in the barn but it’s me trying to do my taxes.
@iLikeCatShirts *throws a rock at a bird*
Me [writing in “science” journal]: birds don’t like rocks.
@iLikeCatShirts Take me down to the paradise city where the grass is green and hey why did you bring all these goats they’re eating this luscious grass.
@iLikeCatShirts I’ll sleep when I’m dead but also every night so I don’t die.
@iLikeCatShirts [Red Lobster]
Waiter: we’re offering Endless Shrimp.
Me: bring me the endless shrimp
<5 days later>
Waiter: please leave, I have a family
@iLikeCatShirts Vanilla Ice: if there was a problem, yo I’ll solve it…
[Guy from back of concert]: why did my dad leave?