Boss: what should we call the lower cabinet in the corner that swivels?
Bonnie (who hates Susan): I have an idea.
Me [trying to sound intellectual]: okay, okay which came first turkey the bird or Turkey the *points at map*
It’s that pottery scene from Ghost except it’s me standing behind the Subway sandwich artist helping him make my sandwich.
Boxing is like a dance, a dance where you punch your dance partner until he doesn’t want to dance anymore.
It’s that scene from footloose where Kevin Bacon is angry dancing in the barn but it’s me trying to do my taxes.
*throws a rock at a bird*
Me [writing in “science” journal]: birds don’t like rocks.
Take me down to the paradise city where the grass is green and hey why did you bring all these goats they’re eating this luscious grass.
I’ll sleep when I’m dead but also every night so I don’t die.
Waiter: we’re offering Endless Shrimp.
Me: bring me the endless shrimp
<5 days later>
Waiter: please leave, I have a family
Vanilla Ice: if there was a problem, yo I’ll solve it…
[Guy from back of concert]: why did my dad leave?