What are people in motels doing that they need such a steady and reliable source of ice?
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A thief broke into a car and only stole a Kit Kat. Who leaves a Kit Kat in a car unattended?
i went to my first post-vaccinated family party yesterday and instantly i was nostalgic for 2020
[at sheep farm]
Me: So how do you get steel wool?
Farmer: well, that we get from our metal sheep
Me: huh?
*sheep walks by with Slayer shirt
There’s a special hole in my backyard for people to hit me in the back of the ankles with a shopping cart.
Cleaned out my car yesterday, it only took me 15 years.
No, YOU just microwaved an oven mitt!
Just took a bite out of a rotisserie chicken like I was bobbing for apples
*trips over an ice cube dropped on the floor*
Me: This is JUST like the Titanic!!
“Hey look, a corn maze!”
– me, drunk, about to get lost in a corn maze
bank account: $1400
me to a girl scout: give me the thick mints
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz I’m going too fast?
Cop: Yes, go back a step.
Me: Ok, melt butter and peanut butter in a large pot over medium-low heat. Add marshmallows and stir until melted.
Cop: These Christmas cookies are going to be amazing.
Why is tater the only food in tot form? We can do better. We deserve better. We demand better.
Quarantine log, Day 8:
Cat: I need you to run to the store for me.
Me: What for? You have plenty of food.
Cat: I got into the treats last night. I’m almost out.
Me:
Me: You can talk!
I tried saving a cat in a tree but the darn thing wouldn’t accept Jesus.
dad, why does my cake say “we dont want a talking cake”
“its a long story son”
well done to all the women on international women’s day, great bunch of lads
Sorry honey, I didn’t get you anything for Valentine’s Day.
Wife: It’s not until next week…
[one week later]
Sorry honey, I didn’t…
We can probably reopen restaurants right now if we all use feed bags
Right now, Girl Scout moms are hungrily eyeing the cases of cookies filling their living rooms and wondering if their bank accounts can take the hit
getting a gf is actually very easy you just have to spin a basketball on your finger
Me: Can I pet your dog?
Stranger: sure
M: one more time
S: uh, ok
M: again
S: maybe you should get your own
M: pet
S: we have to go
M: mine
they really said video games would melt our brains when it was actually watching the news that did it
When I get a little tipsy I like to go to a random neighbourhood, knock on the door and say, “Sarah Connor?”.
[Rome]
CENTURION: please state your date of birth
CITIZEN: May I
CENTURION: yes
CITIZEN:
CENTURION:
CITIZEN:
CENTURION: when is it tho
[on date]
*okay don’t let her know you’re a T-Rex*
Her: Can you pass the salt please?
Me: Crap…
[working from home]
8:00am: wake up
8:30am: eat cereal
8:30-noon: can’t remember
noon: open laptop
noon-12:15pm: let laptop “do its thing”
12:15pm: complete one (1) sit-up
12:30pm: neck hurts from sit-up
1:00pm: apply for worker’s comp
ME: Hey Alexa, is bread a type of cheese?
Hitman that’s been hiding in my closet: [leaving my house] Ok you have your own thing going on.
If you press this button, you will get a piece of cheesecake but one person on earth will die so-
*me already pressing button* sorry, what?
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m 4 people.
I’m not an alcoholic, alcoholics go to meetings. I’m a drunk, we go to parties.