@iinkedZombie

I spend too much of my time asking our dog, “have you seen the kids?!”

@iinkedZombie

All of these people are screaming like they’ve never seen someone revving a chainsaw on a public beach.

@iinkedZombie

[after tee ball game]
Wife: we brought snacks for the kids.

Me: [w/ mouthful of food] we did?!

@iinkedZombie

My son asked me what it’s like to be a parent so I woke him up at 3 a.m. to let him know that I couldn’t sleep.

@iinkedZombie

5: Mommy said I’m a big boy and can’t sleep in her bed anymore

Me [sleeping on couch] she’s right son

@iinkedZombie

[pet store]
Me *looking at snakes*
“CAN I FEED THEM?”
Pet Store Employee [never looks up from his phone] sure.
Me *putting my kids in tank*

@iinkedZombie

5: let’s play the quiet game.

Me: Okay

5: ready..? Start.

Me:

5:

Me:

5: whoever talks first is the loser.

@iinkedZombie

Kids these days think Christmas is all about getting presents instead of celebrating the birth of Santa Claus.