@illTortuga

I’m worried my dog will never find out who’s a good boy.

@illTortuga

My new single, “New Single” is available now from my new album, “Available Now”, available now.

@illTortuga

“Welcome to Panda Express”
“I’d like one panda”
“Sorry we don’t sell pand-”
*slips cashier $100*
“Meet me in the back alley in ten minutes”

@illTortuga

“Hey, wanna hangout?” “Later.” “Now?” “No, later” “How about now?” “Jesus christ.” -if Adobe Updater was your friend

@illTortuga

I just made way too much pasta, so if you haven’t eaten dinner yet, swing by and watch me eat way too much pasta.

@illTortuga

From now on, when you see the word “minimum”, good luck trying to not imagine a tiny British mother.

@illTortuga

Damn girl are you the sun because you need to stay 92,960,000 miles away from me.

@illTortuga

I bet Usher shows everyone to their seats at his concerts.

@illTortuga

Listen son, you know how you find an awesome song & you listen to it over and over again until you hate it? Well, I’m leaving your mother.