History may repeat itself but a toddler does it better.
I try extra hard during sex because I never know if there’s a chameleon secretly watching me.
My coworker Gwynn broke her leg slipping on ice and didn’t even laugh when I called her Pain-Gwynn
My kid drew all over my kitchen counter with permanent marker
Classic case of counter terrorism
Please don’t forget what Christmas is really about.
Asking your 30 year old cousin when she’s going to start having babies.
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with air horns that sound like Seth Rogan’s laugh.
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 7 times you must be a car that looks like mine in the mall parking lot
Million dollar idea: A tampon that whistles like a tea kettle when it’s done
Also I have no idea how tampons work
Wife: why are there 8 knives on the ground?
Me: *points to the dead spider* it was self defence and that’s exactly what you’ll tell the cops when they get here
Tattoos tell a story, like tribal tattoos tell a story of a guy that wears sunglasses indoors.