People are surprised when I tell them I don’t like cilantro. Mostly because I’m in their house unannounced
Why does the crematorium sound so delicious?
I don’t trust any company that has a commercial with happy employees in it.
Everyone’s a badass until Mufasa dies.
Aladdin is my favourite movie about lying to a girl to make her fall in love with you
My Coworker Bryce lost his license and now has to ride his bike into work and he didn’t even laugh when I called him Brycycle
Having a child doesn’t make you a father. Sneezing as loud as you can after cutting the grass does.
I’m tired of pretending that people know what a first cousin once removed is.
Dads mark their territory by sneezing loudly.
To make sure I don’t cheat, my wife got me into cryptocurrency and that’s all I want to talk about with women now.