@ilovepie84

I try extra hard during sex because I never know if there’s a chameleon secretly watching me.

@ilovepie84

My coworker Gwynn broke her leg slipping on ice and didn’t even laugh when I called her Pain-Gwynn

@ilovepie84

My kid drew all over my kitchen counter with permanent marker

Classic case of counter terrorism

@ilovepie84

Please don’t forget what Christmas is really about.

Asking your 30 year old cousin when she’s going to start having babies.

@ilovepie84

I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with air horns that sound like Seth Rogan’s laugh.

@ilovepie84

Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 7 times you must be a car that looks like mine in the mall parking lot

@ilovepie84

Million dollar idea: A tampon that whistles like a tea kettle when it’s done

Also I have no idea how tampons work

@ilovepie84

Wife: why are there 8 knives on the ground?

Me: *points to the dead spider* it was self defence and that’s exactly what you’ll tell the cops when they get here

@ilovepie84

Tattoos tell a story, like tribal tattoos tell a story of a guy that wears sunglasses indoors.