@ilovepie84

People are surprised when I tell them I don’t like cilantro. Mostly because I’m in their house unannounced

@ilovepie84

I don’t trust any company that has a commercial with happy employees in it.

@ilovepie84

Aladdin is my favourite movie about lying to a girl to make her fall in love with you

@ilovepie84

My Coworker Bryce lost his license and now has to ride his bike into work and he didn’t even laugh when I called him Brycycle

@ilovepie84

Having a child doesn’t make you a father. Sneezing as loud as you can after cutting the grass does.

@ilovepie84

I’m tired of pretending that people know what a first cousin once removed is.

@ilovepie84

To make sure I don’t cheat, my wife got me into cryptocurrency and that’s all I want to talk about with women now.