@ilovepie84

Wife: why are there 8 knives on the ground?

Me: *points to the dead spider* it was self defence and that’s exactly what you’ll tell the cops when they get here

@ilovepie84

If we just refer to ISIS as “Nickelback” maybe nobody will want to join them

@ilovepie84

Tattoos tell a story, like tribal tattoos tell a story of a guy that wears sunglasses indoors.

@ilovepie84

“I’m going to show off my new belt by tucking in my T-shirt” -Men over 50.

@ilovepie84

“Jesus take the wheel” -an Asian man telling the police that a Mexican guy stole his rims off his Honda Civic.

@ilovepie84

If you see a hot girl walking you should honk your horn to let her know you’re intrested and afraid to talk to girls.

@ilovepie84

“When I’m done shitting on your car I’m going to watch your wife undress through her window”-Birds

@ilovepie84

I broke into your house and slept under your bed all night to protect you from the perverts out there.

@ilovepie84

Whenever I see someone with spider web tattoos on their elbows I spray them with Raid and attempt to flush them down the toilet.