Wife: why are there 8 knives on the ground?
Me: *points to the dead spider* it was self defence and that’s exactly what you’ll tell the cops when they get here
If we just refer to ISIS as “Nickelback” maybe nobody will want to join them
Tattoos tell a story, like tribal tattoos tell a story of a guy that wears sunglasses indoors.
“I’m going to show off my new belt by tucking in my T-shirt” -Men over 50.
“Jesus take the wheel” -an Asian man telling the police that a Mexican guy stole his rims off his Honda Civic.
If you see a hot girl walking you should honk your horn to let her know you’re intrested and afraid to talk to girls.
“When I’m done shitting on your car I’m going to watch your wife undress through her window”-Birds
I broke into your house and slept under your bed all night to protect you from the perverts out there.
I bet homophobic guys get reincarnated into condoms.
Whenever I see someone with spider web tattoos on their elbows I spray them with Raid and attempt to flush them down the toilet.