@ilovepie84

Whenever I test drive a car and the Salesman decides to come along, I lock the doors lock eyes and say “We ride together, we Die together.”

@ilovepie84

Lassie once told me a boy fell down a well, but since no one else can speak dog I ignored it because I was building a furniture fort.

@ilovepie84

“So that pervert buys you “Grass” and then you let him play with your nipples?”

-Me telling Cows its not to late to change their life.

@ilovepie84

Brad Pitt and I had a handsome contest and the loser had to adopt a bunch of kids.

@ilovepie84

Interesting that the homeless population is down and now there is a big sale of unlabeled meat at the grocery store.

@ilovepie84

If I were British I would carry around a monicle and drop it whenever I was horrified

@ilovepie84

I only shave half my face in case that I get arrested so that they will have two different side profile pictures.

@ilovepie84

I once slowly roasted a Marshmallow over fire until the Michelin Man gave me some free tires.

@ilovepie84

I bet when David Hasselhoff gets too drunk he roams the streets screaming “KITT!” When he can’t find his car.