@imchriskelly

“What charities do you donate to?”

“I mostly just leave sunglasses all over the world.”

@imchriskelly

I have complicated opinions on the death penalty. I think it’s wrong but I also think that owners of cash-only establishments should get it.

@imchriskelly

At grandma’s. Which means this morning I woke up at 8:45am and was still greeted with, “Look who’s finally up. We thought you were dead!”

@imchriskelly

i want the first line of my obituary to be about how i once used an umbrella three different times before losing it