Ever worry that spiders have 8 slippers to slap you with?
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Act Like a Lady
Think Like a Man
Most importantly, talk in irrelevant cliches.
burglar: [sits up in bed] did you hear that
wife: [sits up] oh my god
husband: [sits up] why are you in our bed
burglar’s wife: [walks in] you son of a bitch
I like my women like I like my moon: hidden behind a dark mist and worshipped by wolves
If you add orange juice to Jason Momoa you get a Jason Mimosa.
Hubs: Why are you spending so much time on Twitter lately?
Me: I need to find my people
Him: You have a family, we are your people
Me: *this is awkward* But I’m looking for people I actually like
I kinda feel like everyone shakes their head a little too much when they see me coming
*opens Advil*
*takes Advil*
*closes Advil*
*looks at husband*
“Sorry, where are my manners? You want some?”
*stops midway* wait….did you say shrek or shark
-me as a tattoo artist
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
What idiot called it the “number of Police Officers in the Precinct” and not the “Copulation”
*leaves work early and pulls in to seedy 4 hours stay motel on the highway. Looks around to make sure no one sees*
Me: This is going to be so great.
*sleeps for 4 hours*
[creating humans]
GOD: Make them imperfect…
ANGEL: Okay…done…
GOD: Now make them apologize to Me all the time for being imperfect.
I’m suspicious of people who don’t like dogs…But I totally trust a dog when it doesn’t like a person.
13: Can I have the password for Amazon?
Me: Certainly, honey. Ready?
13: Yep
Me: I-N-Y-O-U-R-D-R-E-A-M-S
The best detective novels are the ones where the detective is on holiday but then get forced to solve a local murder. We’ve all been in that situation where we just want some peace and quiet but then a holidaying detective shows up and solves the murder we’ve just committed.
Instructor: Welcome to our Summer with Kids Preparedness class. Our first lesson is how to apply sunscreen. Everyone grab an angry raccoon.
Put this video in the Louvre
The government be like “please throw your grandma into an active volcano, the economy demands a sacrifice”
I can’t touch my face so I’ve been letting the cats apply and remove my makeup. They’re getting pretty good at it.
I don’t even bother moving when my Fitbit is charging. There’s no point.
Sometimes going with the flow you end up in a sewer.
[someone attempts to speak to me]
ME: *to self, but at a completely audible volume* okay, remember your training
a couple months ago i had a plumber come to my house and he spent the whole time talking about how he was also justin bieber’s plumber and then he broke both of my toilets which begs the question: does justin bieber have working plumbing?
[every morning]
Me: Want to go outside?
Dog:
Me: Outside?
Dog:
Me: Go outside?
Dog:
Me: Let’s go outside!
Dog:
Me: Fine.
Dog:
Me: [gets coffee and sits on couch]
Dog: I need to go outside.
them: what are you think-
me: FOOD
Me: Alexa, when will computers become self-aware?
Alexa: When will YOU become self-aware?
M: *gazing out a window, crying* good one, Alexa
My high school aptitude test offered me one career option: dictionary editor
With all the typos in my tweets, I bet that test feels so stupid right now
me: tries to sleep.
clock: i think i’m going to karaoke in Morse code now.
*lets out a blood curdling scream* HELP MY BLOOD IS CURDLING
My plans for world domination will have to be put on hold while I try to open this package of batteries.