@itsBABYSMITH

she kept her secret snacks under the false bottom of a vintage hat box behind the old hoover vacuum in the guest bedroom closet…amateur

@itsBABYSMITH

once i’ve learned to lay gigantic eggs and run 50 mph, it’s over for you ostriches.

@itsBABYSMITH

impressing strangers by telling them i drive a Nissan Easy Bake Oven

@itsBABYSMITH

normalize answering the phone saying, “I’M DOING THE BEST I CAN, CAPTAIN”

@itsBABYSMITH

there should be an olympic sport for pessimism, not that i could ever win

@itsBABYSMITH

like my toaster, i too spend a lot of time in my kitchen making sudden movements and burning things.

@itsBABYSMITH

me: how do we ask nicely

him:

me: go on

him: PRETTY PLEASE help me deploy my parachute

@itsBABYSMITH

the squirrels are playing dodgeball with acorns again, must be mating season