@itsBABYSMITH she kept her secret snacks under the false bottom of a vintage hat box behind the old hoover vacuum in the guest bedroom closet…amateur
@itsBABYSMITH 
@itsBABYSMITH *controversially pours a glass of milk*
@itsBABYSMITH once i’ve learned to lay gigantic eggs and run 50 mph, it’s over for you ostriches.
@itsBABYSMITH *aggressively pronounces luncheon like lunch-ee-own*
@itsBABYSMITH impressing strangers by telling them i drive a Nissan Easy Bake Oven
@itsBABYSMITH normalize answering the phone saying, “I’M DOING THE BEST I CAN, CAPTAIN”
@itsBABYSMITH there should be an olympic sport for pessimism, not that i could ever win
@itsBABYSMITH like my toaster, i too spend a lot of time in my kitchen making sudden movements and burning things.
@itsBABYSMITH me: how do we ask nicely
him:
me: go on
him: PRETTY PLEASE help me deploy my parachute
@itsBABYSMITH the squirrels are playing dodgeball with acorns again, must be mating season