When people say I don’t mean to brag they’re bragging about not bragging.
Got excited to check out the new place called Juicy Ladies and was very disappointed it was just a juice bar.
My daughter has so many outfit changes I shoulda named her Lady Gaga.
Was chatting at our block party and a new neighbor came up and asked if I was this dude’s wife and I said no I’m his mistress just to make it weird and welcome her to the neighborhood.
I patiently sat through a 75 hour story about my daughter’s dream and then said wow daddy would love to hear this.
(At a restaurant) 11: What if I ordered a Jack Daniel’s at the bar?
Me: You’d finally go to bed on time.
One day they won’t want to hang with you anymore I tell myself as my kids have 47 things to tell me while I’m on the toilet.
Whenever I think my kids are difficult I try to put it in perspective and think at least they didn’t drink nail polish like my sister did when she was a baby.
I always ask for a receipt so I can keep them in my purse for 86 years.
This mom was judging me cause I was taking my kids to McDonald’s and I thought it was so cute she thought I gave a shit.
9: Why do some British people drop the t’s in their accents?
Me: Cause they have different accents from different parts of England.
9: No it’s cause they drank all the teas!
My son wasn’t listening so I said his attitude was super cringe and he looked up at me in horror and look at that he heard me.
Why is my daughter asking me to play jenga like I didn’t give her a brother and sister for that exact reason?
Did you have a good day or did you grab a rotisserie chicken at the market that wasn’t sealed and the juice spilled all over your feet? And you were wearing flip flops.
In my house the roles are reversed cause my kids tell me to turn my music down.