@jackiembouvier

Friend: Your makeup looks nice.
Me: Thanks. I went to a wedding last weekend.

@jackiembouvier

My stylist cut my bangs too short so now I look like a dreadfully concerned 7 year old.

@jackiembouvier

I just slipped in the shower and my life flashed before my eyes but it was just a series of other times I almost fell.

@jackiembouvier

My charm is that I break people down over time; like waterboarding or marriage.

@jackiembouvier

Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: I suffer from IBS.
F: Why are you telling me that?
M: I thought we were just stating unfortunate truths.

@jackiembouvier

Friend: Don’t you recycle?
Me: I do what I can.
F: What about the seals?
M: Am I responsible for their recycling, too?!

@jackiembouvier

I bought a bathing suit yesterday and the automated voice said “unexpected item in bagging area”.

@jackiembouvier

I can tell Spring is almost here because I’m on the verge of wanting to kill myself but I’d also like to plant some bulbs.

@jackiembouvier

[Brings pot brownies to the PTA meeting]

– New playground approved
– All classes now held outside