I feel like I’m living in my own horror movie. But it’s like a B movie that will never get much traction.
Revenge of the Fruity Pebbles. Yeah, direct to streaming at best.
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Live, laugh, love, dress up like a clown and wander around the woods at night
Me: so what does your husband do?
Her: he’s a dermatologist
Me: pore guy :/
I love going places just to spend the entire time taking my kids to the bathroom
Farm to table seasonal menus are hilarious. In August there are 17 fresh vegetable dishes described in flowing prose capped with perfectly framed Walt Whitman quotes and in January there are two sides that come down to “Jason’s sister-in-law found a bag of potatoes in the garage”
After the loss of his beloved childhood pet Mr. Wiggles, Javier decided to dedicate his life to helping others avoid that kind of heartbreak.
I’m brave but not just grab any shampoo off the store shelf without smelling it before buying it brave.
My son would never be living in my basement as an adult. He’s smart, ambitious, hard-working, but most of all, he knows the WiFi down there sucks.
You’re erasing syllables to make the word shorter. I’m adding syllables to make the word longer. We are not the samerino
On our weekly family Zoom, my stepmom always says how pretty I am.
Today I replied, “I’m more than a pretty face.”
STEPMOM: “Are you sure?”
ME: “I have an elbow. Look.”
SM: “That’s nothing to brag about.”
ME: “It bends and everything.”
SM: “I’ve seen better.”
[out in public]
Me: A kid is crying.
Wife: It’s not one of ours.
[we fist bump]
Little does the bus driver know, that “I love you” I shout after my kids every morning is for him too.
Whenever I go to a restaurant without my kids, I feel like something is missing…
DOES ANYONE NEED THEIR TUSHY WIPED?!
a relationship should be 50/50. 50% donkey 50% dragon
There’s been a whole lot of office Romance since I became self employed…
Magneto: Curses! How did you find my secret lair? Telepathy? Satellites?
Wolverine: every compass in town is pointing at you, bro, how do you not know this
God: did you name the 2 moons of Mars?
angel: yes, Phobos & Deimos
[turns to 2nd angel]
God: and, what did you name earth’s moon?
angel 2: oh! ummm? the…Moon 🤷♂️
My favorite drinks are coffee, whisky & ranch dressing.
one time my cousin greg put on two jean jackets and he exploded, there was mustache everywhere
Sitting in a restaurant, a girl walked in and yelled SOMEONE DECIDED TO MARRY ME *twirls and air kicks* then walked out
I’m so glad we have a house full of toys for me to trip over so my child can run around happily clutching an old dvd
90% of parenting is making tiny portions of snacks look big and big portions of vegetables look tiny.
I’m aging like a fine banana
Valentine’s Day tip for the men:
If you made dinner reservations call the restaurant and tell the host there’s an extra $20 for the bartenders if they card your wife.
You’re welcome
I’m just over here waiting for my 1st Richard pic.
but how do I know if a guy hates me FOR ME
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being inclusive. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
Surprised my wife with potato chips. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the cabinet.
You remind me of a nebula. A newborn star Full of energy, color, and completely dense while being unstable.
I’m reexamining my life after buying 63 pounds of unsalted butter because it seems a little weird even by my standards
My wife gets upset because I like to talk during sex. Last night she hung up the phone on me.