Hi, I’d like to order a baby
It says here you deliver babies?
“Sir this is a hospital”
[vampire quickly hangs up phone]
We built this community from the ground up as opposed to choosing a point in the air and building downwards from there.
Villain: We meet again, Mr. Bond
Bond: You don’t remember my 1st name do you
Villain: Sure I do. It’s uh..
Bond: C’mon this is our 3rd fight
Ant: I found this book of what humans call us. I’m an ant
Dung Beetle: What am I called?
Ant: *checks, shuts book* Let’s not focus on labels
Jealous that secret agents can get out of any phone conversation at any time by saying “it’s not safe to talk on the phone right now”
Barista: I have a latte for *3 second long screeching noise*
Velociraptor: Actually it’s *4 second long screeching noise* but close enough
“Still upset about earlier?”
“So you knocked over a few spaghetti boxes at the store. No big deal”
I WAS A WORLD JENGA CHAMPION, SALLY
“What’s your greatest strength?”
[interviewer presses intercom button] “Pat, please bring a flashlight in here”
Every once in a while someone really special walks into your life. That person is usually delivering a pizza
On a bad dinner date? Bump the table with your knee to make the water in your glass ripple. Claim a T-Rex is coming. Sprint out the door.