[commercial for babies]
*camera pans to a couple sleeping peacefully*
Narrator: don’t you hate this?
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10: *mischievously to her sister* One foot, two feet, so for one boot, it’s two beet.
7: Noooooo, it’s booties!
During a zombie apocalypse, establish dominance by approaching the baddest zombie with the snappiest teeth and braid his hair.
I don’t know why I would want to “Keep Up” with them…
I don’t even know where Kardashia is.
(geography’s not my strong suit)
At what age do kids actually start washing their hands instead of just getting them wet for 5 seconds?
It’s not 13.
Oh really well you thought four inches was HUGE when we were talking about spiders.
If a swan broke my arm I’d keep it quiet. Embarrassing. “Help, I’m being beaten up by a big white lanky floating chicken.” Not cool.
Jesus saves. Often. Because even he knows Microsoft Word is a piece of shit.
Lawyer: did your boyfriend commit the crime?
Girlfriend: honey he can’t even commit to this relationship
Entire jury: OH SNAP
Sure, everyone thinks a chubby dude in a diaper shooting people with a bow & arrow is cute until I do it at Starbucks & please send bail.
*puts pancakes over eyes like cucumber slices*
When I joined the ski patrol, I had only one mission in mind: fighting crime on ski slopes. I left quietly soon after.
Just got a job opening demanding 13-18 yrs of experience in iOS development.
Do they realize that the platform itself is 8 years old?
You may find my attraction to Goofy weird, but I don’t give a hyuck.
*putting wrinkle cream on my crow’s feet*
HOLD STILL, MR. VANDERBEAK!
I just saw Madonna climb out of a hollowed out tree trunk in the woods near my house.
[presents children to cashier]
I’d like to return these faulty condoms lol
I’m a failure as a sociopath. I’m just not very good at manipulating and taking advantage of people. I’m more of a so-sopath.
The sacred texts.
I’m not stealing anything, Mr Store Security Guy.
I’m just awkward.
“I’m sorry, but are you suggesting what I think you’re suggesting?” -Fun way to confuse a waiter who just suggested a menu item
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
“Ok, I know this is creepy af but check this out..”
-first taxidermist
I really don’t care where y’all are located, my brother was last seen on the Westbank in the Westwego area. My baby is missing and I need everyone’s eyes because I cannot see by myself. This is the time I need all of my prayer warriors 😔 please help me find my brother
A lot of people don’t realize that Shania Twain’s father, Mark, was actually a pretty good writer.
Therapist: do what makes u happy and don’t do what makes u sad
Me: so happy music makes me happy
Therapist: yea
Me: and sad music makes me sad
Therapist: yea
Me: and I’m sad
Therapist: yea
Me: therefore I should listen to sad music
Therapist: so close
“What skills would you bring to the apocalypse?”
Me: Um, brooding real hard.
Cop: Are you drunk or high on drugs? Me: No officer. Cop: Your pupils are dilated. Me: (Paranoid) WHA!, how’d you know I teach fat kids?!
You can’t name your dog Jeff, that’s illegal
That’s shocking!! Hold on.
*quickly draws overly arched eyebrows*
Ok. Go on.
You block or unfollow me because I follow or retweet someone you don’t like.
Kindergarten called & said you left your maturity level there.