the nice thing about always being late is never having to worry about getting worms
getting a cast iron skillet so i can still not do my dishes, but now people will think i’m classy
liquor on the top shelf is so expensive because the bartender has to stand on their tippy toes to reach it
elbows are not enough. we need a pasta for each and every body part
meal prep? you mean putting on a bib?
*me liking the smell of gasoline* “i have really expensive taste”
dvd? why are the Ds fighting??
time machine? you mean a clock?
what all these pyramids be scheming about?
they should invent a hydrating liquor
hoping jesus comes back soon, preferably on a monday, so we can get another holiday
i was just about to start being a good person but then i got mildly inconvenienced
you’re legally allowed to steal anything from the doctor’s office if they leave you alone in the room for a minute
guy skipping rocks: do you wanna try?
guy who lives in a glass house: ummm idk if i should
him: it’s nice that you wear your heart on your sleeve
me: that’s ketchup