Good cop: We know it was you. Just confess.
Murderer: I didn’t do nothin’
Breaks the fourth wall cop: Your name in this tweet is Murderer.
Narrator: These are real people and not actors-
Actor watching the commercial: *throws lamp at TV* WE’RE PEOPLE TOO!
What are you listening to?
You’re listening to Yes?
No The Who
Oh I like them
No not Them. The band is The Who.
Me: I just souped up my car
Person: What kind of engine did you put in it?
*cut to me filling my car with tomato soup*
Me: Um… A fast one.
I miss @ddrwg again. Here’s a link to one of my favorite tweets from Sonny.
Pretty arrogant of Red Delicious Apples to put “delicious” in their name. Like calm down. You’re still just an apple. You ain’t no prize.
I like big MUTTS & I cannot lie
U other breeders can’t deny
When a dog walks in with a pretty mixed race & spots all on its face it gets PET
[two hours into describing a criminal to a police sketch artist]
…But when he took off the mask, he just looked like a normal guy
I bring giant stuffed animals into carnivals so when I walk around people will think that I am good at something.
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy. She was a girl. Can I make it any more obvious?
Me: Yes you could. That is incredibly vague.