Me: are you doodling?
My kid:
My kid: idk I just saw you coming in and tried to look busy
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Surprise parties are great. Depress your friend by pretending to forget their birthday, then terrify them briefly
[swirls, sniffs and sips red wine]
Yes, this is delicious. I will have a glass.
Ma’am, this is a church, let go of the cup and sit down.
I don’t whisper sweet nothings.
I yodel them.
One time I went on a date with a women’s basketball coach and he told me that women’s basketball is so much more about the fundamentals, and I have no idea what that means, but I say it every time I watch women’s basketball with other people and all the guys nod in agreement.
[call]
MOM: please be safe in the snowstorm.
ME: idgaf about snow i’m a gangster.
MOM: what?
ME: i said thanks for calling i love you.
I’ve started giving camouflage sweatshirts as parting gifts when I break up with people. “I don’t want to see you anymore,” I whisper.
if ghosts r real why are there no dinosaur ghosts? think about that, but u won’t bc i just blew your mind with something called logic, idiot
Flight Attendant: Is anyone on this plane a doctor
*Hands shoot up*
FA: …of love?
*I rise, resplendent in my leopard-print leisure suit*
My dad loves to tell this story ab how when he was a kid his family passed Carlo gambino’s house on the way to church and his dad said solemnly “someday that guys gonna wake up with a bullet in his head”
anime is so crazy think about shooting your shot with a cute girl you meet in a coffee shop and she turns out to be a corpse devouring ghoul 5 seconds later.
“You can eat 50% of a mermaid before you’re considered a cannibal.”
My kid, using homeschool math during social distancing
Overindulged this afternoon.
To those of you who received a book from me as a Christmas present: just to let you know that they are due back at the library tomorrow.
Apparently “ew no” is not an acceptable way to tell my boss I don’t want more responsibility at work.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who just watched someone else push the elevator button
Back in my day the only time we started panic buying is when the bartender yelled out “last orders” and rang that little bell……
My signature move is parking closely to the sports car at the end of the lot taking up four spaces.
Your case is very difficult to win. When I walk outside just follow me and run away
Hey ghosts, I just updated my kitchen with open shelving good luck slamming the cupboards you nerds
There was no Internet when I was a kid. If you wanted to talk to a pervert, you had to go find one.
[spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is sentence
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
Moderator: your word is sentence
Please stop telling me how you wish you had my curly hair. You don’t know the struggle of waking up looking like Mufasa.
Why is a good book described as a real page turner?
That’s my minimum requirement in a book
Pages that turn
I washed my sports bra with the Fitbit still attached and won first place in all my challenges.
*walks up to microphone during wedding reception*
*taps on mic; everyone smiles*
“Anyone that doesn’t want their cake, pass it to me please”
My husband’s birthday is soon and today I put a reminder on the calendar to buy him a gift.
Our shared calendar.
At least he already knows not to expect much.
Top causes of divorce:
1. Finances
2. Infidelity
3. Unmet expectations
4. Growing apart
5. Tandem bikes
CASHIER: would you like to donate one dollar to charity?
ME: no thank you
SATAN (sitting on a throne made of human skulls): excellent choice
Happy 3rd birthday to the yogurt in my refrigerator
Just said something embarrassing at a party. Prob should leave but I live here