My daughter will send a bunch of 2 to 3 word texts in a row so my phone dings like there’s an angry customer at the front desk.
Wearing polar fleece in the winter gives me a sense of security knowing I can jump start a car with my finger.
If we reverse engineered electronics from a crashed UFO, it’s only a matter of time before aliens return with patent lawyers and sue us into oblivion.
Wolverines are just smaller, easier to peel wolves.
The thin membrane under the shell of a boiled egg is what’s left of the rooster’s broken condom, and that was my Dad’s sex talk. I’ll always remember that Easter.
They’ve postponed the Olympics, so I’m going to back off the intensity of my workouts.
My ancestors didn’t walk out of the jungle, cross continents, interbreed with at least two other types of hominids, survive wars and plagues and cross an ocean for me to have to eat an untoasted bagel.
If you’re about to be attacked by a werewolf, loudly say “WHO’S GETTING A BATH? SOMEBODY’S GONNA GET A BATH!” and he’ll run away and hide.
The doctor said working puzzles would keep Grandma’s mind sharp. She’s been in the corn maze going on four days, so that remains to be seen.
I’ve stopped texting “K” and started texting “L” instead so I don’t have to reach so far over with my thumb.
If our children don’t learn cursive, how will they ever be able to read those inspirational tattoos people put on their ribs?
I hate it when my sock puppets fight. I don’t have a free hand to break them up.
So annoying how every time I go to sleep, my wife starts whispering into my ear “Go towards the light.”
The Twelve Days of Christmas would cost$107,000 this year which is relatively cheap considering the amount of human trafficking in the song.
Remember when all bombs looked like a black bowling ball with a giant wick in the top? Yep, simpler times.