ME: I make all my decisions by rolling dice
WAITER: Can I get you any drinks?
ME: Yes I’ll have-
-six beers please
ME: Welcome, students. Hope you brought textbooks because-
[spins cat on finger like basketball]
-I have no idea what I’m doing
ME: Who do you want to be at my Frozen-themed party?
FRIEND: Let me be Olaf or Elsa
ME: Ok but never threaten me in an Italian accent again
ROOMMATE: Big date later?
ME: [combs hair] Yes
M: [fixes tie] The woods
R: Is it with a bear again?
M: [dabs honey behind ears] No
MARATHON RUNNER: [breaks through ribbon at finish line]
GUY WHO LOVES MARATHONS: Hooray
GUY WHO LOVES RIBBONS: What the shit
DAD: Sorry it’s not a pony, honey. Best I could do
LITTLE GIRL: [riding gigantic earthworm] This is Princess Doomtube. She shall be feared
DOROTHY: What do these shoes do?
GLINDA: Send you home
D: Lame [tries new pair] And these?
D: [clicks heels]
[turns into hamburger]
HITMAN: Who’s the target?
ME: [slides photo across table]
HITMAN: You..want me to kill Shrek?
ME: Not Shrek [taps photo] his talkative horse
LIAM NEESON: [writing grocery list]
[he stops writing, frowns]
WRITER: A drifter & a rich lady fall in love
WALT DISNEY: Can they be dogs?
WR: A woman steals a couple’s baby
WD: Can the baby be 101 dogs?