Me: being able to see yourself in others is what it means to be human
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I was standing in the train station waiting for a friend when some guy came up to me and gave me a dollar in case you need any fashion advice.
*Frantically checks the time*
OMG I THINK I’M LATE oh wait that was yesterday
[1st date]
WAITER: and how would you like your steak, miss?
HER: definitely not wooden *winks across table*
DRACULA: *just glares at her*
I like to believe the Death Star was originally built for space billionaire gender reveal parties
guy creating teenage mutant ninja turtles: so theyre teens, theyre turtles, whats something only the coolest teens do?
co-worker with a ponytail: karate
I didn’t ask to be the “bad boy” of professional tennis. Probably why it never happened.
You’re right autocorrect. Much is gracias.
Me: wow. Your room is a mess
4: you can clean it
Me: but you made the mess
4: I know you can do it
Me: I’d love some help
4: you’ve got this, Mama
I’ve just found a mole on my shoulder.
I don’t know how he got out of the garden but he’s cute.
No I will not change my password.
If someone wants this life, they can have it.
[Being murdered]
(with every stab, i move my body so that the murderer strikes acupuncture points which, to his dismay, makes me feel great)
I’m still awake because my brain can’t locate my sleep file, babe
This impeachment is taking forever. I told you we should’ve bought impeachment pro. Now we have to watch all of these ads.
*goes into Lowe’s for a can of paint*
*leaves with $200 worth of Girl Scout cookies*
*goes back in time
*tells 11 year old me to say “I will be taking no questions at this time” when teacher asks me something I don’t know
GUY: I wish girls liked comics.
GIRL: I love comics.
GUY: Oh really? Then what’s the Hulk’s favorite flavor ice cream?
“How do you feel about this combination of paint?”
“Well, mixed emulsions really”
Twitter’s original name was “Sentence Contest”
My boss: Why are you hiding behind the potted fern?
Me:
My boss: don’t be silly. Come out so we can complete your appraisal.
Me *makes nervous fern noises*
Dateline was on an hour later than usual and hoo boy they’re sure lucky I don’t have a life
what’s the proper waiting period after your spouse is kidnapped until you can resume watching your Netflix shows without it being a thing
PREGNANT CASHIER: Have a great day
ME: Thanks, have a great baby
waiter : here’s your bread for the table
table : nom nom nom delicious
Thief: Did u see me rob this bank?
Teller: well, yes!*Teller shot in the head*
Thief: DID U SEE ME ROB THIS BANK?
Me: No. But my wife did!
“You hear from my lawyer?”
“He says he’s working on it, Stan.”
“I’m really losing it, Johnny.”
“Just be patient. You need anything?”
“Acorns, they’re like currency in here.”
i have been told spending the night in this haunted house will grant me immunity from being pranked or fooled on the april fool day
My milkshake brought a colony of extremely aggressive fire ants to my yard. 🙁
1% battery…..
Because I like to live on the
Things that alarm my 5yo
Defcon 3: My 5yo is sick
Defcon 4: My 5yo is hurt
Defcon 5: My 5yo found a piece of tomato peel in her marinara sauce
WIFE: stop quoting Britney Spears songs or I’ll leave you
ME: but I’m a slave 4 u
WIFE: that’s it
ME: (whispers) oops I did it again