Marry someone the same size as you to avoid decades of annoyance adjusting the seats and mirrors in the car
I bought someone’s groceries today and it felt really good… I took a cart that looked like it had what I needed, bought it and left. Saved a lot of time grocery shopping. Amazing feeling.
[shopping for school supplies with kids]
7 year old: What’s the bottle of champagne for?
The comment ads on twitter are so trippy
“And now a break from 2 people wishing death upon each other for a message about life insurance”
Instead of writing letters, let’s wait a week before texting each other back so it still feels like it
The key to losing weight is to eat like you’re in a video game — don’t bother with it 99% of the time until you’re about to die
The floor after my kids eat one granola bar
Happy #InternationalWomensDay to my wife. I’m no expert, but I think she may have overwatered her plant today.
Let’s continue this argument later on when I’m alone in the shower and you’re not there to defend yourself
3200 BC: Man invents written language and abandons hieroglyphics
2023 AD: Man abandons written language in favor of memes
Marrying a person isn’t the only way to get someone to take your name, there’s also identity theft #MondayMotivation
Sorry man, I wasn’t trying to kiss you. You just had melted cheese stuck in your beard and I couldn’t help myself
People who blame autocorrect for their mistakes are just finger painting
For someone who dislikes Bill Gates, my dad sure does dress a lot like him.
I wonder if husband spiders get annoyed when their spider wives use all the hot water in the shower shaving their 8 legs.