That awkward sexual tension when everyone leaves the kitchen and you’re left all alone with a chocolate cake.
My wife and did it twice yesterday and we didn’t use any protection… I’m worried we might have twins.
My first workout back at the gym was great… I did 15 mins of cardio, 10 mins on the defibrillator, and then 3 days in the hospital.
[At job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have a police record?
Me: No. But I do have a few of their albums on cassette
*hires me instantly
I skipped leg day at the gym, but don’t worry I balanced it out by skipping arm day, chest day, ab day, and back day so I’m good to go.
I waited around all morning for the mailman so I could grab his hand through the mail slot.
I saw an attractive woman spank her kid in McDonalds after he threw his fries on the ground, so I also threw mine on the ground.
The toughest part of dating a doctor would be how they’re always 45 mins late for dates because the 7 dates they had before yours went long.
When I make my first million, Im switching from 2 ply toilet paper to white bread.
Maybe if I tilt my head to the side I can understand english ~dogs