*catching up with an old friend* So how’s your gut fauna?
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If you see me out in public but we haven’t spoken since high school let’s keep it that way.
Sorry I got discombobulated.
I’m rebobulated now.
We got about 5-6 inches of snow here in the last 24 hrs, or, according to men, we got 8 inches.
*launders Kohls cash*
My standards in my 20’s- brooding & poetic
30’s tall, nice smile, secure job
40’s – hmm I bet that shouty homeless guy would clean up nice
Lecturer: The human body is made up of 60% water
Me: Oh god…
Lecturer: *rolls eyes* What is it now?
Me: [drowning somehow] I CAN’T SWIM
I told my kids their cash and coins are worthless now because they have the Queen and not King Charles on them.
They cried and cried and I’m up $83.
My friend went to a salon and asked them to straighten his hair. So they took out his highlights.
Looking forward to Keanu Reeves making improvements to his home in the upcoming
Matrix: Renovations
[About to invent coffee]
Guy: I’m gonna squeeze that bean so hard
Friend: You okay Greg?
HER: Promise you won’t overreact?
ME: Yes.
H: They said that you were a little dramatic.
M: Swirls cape and plays long organ chord. “Fools!”
Feet so ugly, you understand why your socks go missing.
[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it
2020 is like going to a wedding and finding a cash bar kind of year.
Sometimes I’m scared I’ll miss my kids when they move out but then I find a bowl of cereal in the bathtub tub and I’m not so scared anymore.
The Maze Runner. #MazeRunner
How much longer must I pretend to understand the eclipse, this is exhausting.
It’s only August and I’m already tired of watering my plants. Makes me wonder how my daughter has lasted 18 years.
Me: We do *not* spit on our classmates!
5YO: Well, who DO we spit on, then?
I miss the funny stuff my kids said when they were little.
I’m going to quit the strongman competition I’m in. I put in my too weak notice
Italians, look away now.
I break my spaghetti in half before I cook it.
THEM: why are you like this
ME: how much time do you have
Hi everyone, welcome to ventriloquist club! The first rule here is do not talk about ventriloquist club…with your lips moving.
Haha, just a little joke to get us started.
Obviously the first rule is don’t fall in love with your puppet.
5-year-old thought it was living room and dying room as opposed to living room and dining room. No wonder meal times have been so stressful.
new shirt idea
Looking for a job on Craigslist. A guy wants to pay $150 to borrow a valid driver’s license to rent a car. What could possibly go wrong?
My wife said: Pls go to shop & buy a carton of Milk & if they have eggs, get six. I came back with Six cartons of Milk & told they had eggs.
Sorry my diet made me slap the oreo out of your toddler’s hand and scream “NOT TODAY SATAN!”
Buck naked