A fancy juice bar shut down near my house, and I am terrified of what the next level of gentrification might be. A gastropub/crossbow range? A CBD eye drop salon? A private club for dogs who don’t believe in vaccines?
I was just doing a show, and I thanked the audience for coming out during the Game Of Thrones premiere, and one guy went: “Oh no! Oh shit!”
I’m terrified of all my friends with babies learning that I’ve separately texted each of them: “Wow! That’s the best baby I’ve ever seen!”
Every fancy restaurant now is just named after two ingredients you’d never eat together. It’s always like “Basil and Butterscotch” or “Honey and Clam.”
Sometimes I think I’m pretty well-read and other times I see the word “doing” and pronounce it like it rhymes with “boing.”
Humidity is like heat if it suspected you were about to break up with it.
There’s nothing to stop you from whispering “I’m in!” like a hacker when you enter your own email password.
I hope Bitcoin is like Snapchat in that people stop talking about it before I have to learn what it is.
In retrospect, “Metallica” is a hilarious name for a metal band.
It’s like a Bob Dylan calling himself “Ol’ Folksy.”
Someone wished me a Happy Independence Day and I told him this is America, and we say Merry Christmas here, buddy.
Your Scooby Doo Villain Name is “old” plus your gender plus your last name.
Why do they call it “buckling a cranky baby into a car seat” and not “fasten the furious?”
(Is it still okay to do these given politics?)
“Why am I not asleep?” he thought, while shining a beam of pure information directly into his eyes from eight inches away.
Whenever I watch a home invasion thriller, I’m mostly terrified by how I’ll never be able to afford to own a home.
Sia’s full name is: “Sia…Wouldntwannabia.”