every time i take my cat for a walk on the beach i imagine how mind blowing it is for him to be in a giant litter box
If you don’t have any friends who have covid right now you’re blessed or you probably don’t have friends
I’m good at turning a bad situation into a terrible one
If you have an enemy, recommend a bad salon, it’s the best revenge ever
The problem with family is that you can inherit a disorder that runs in the family from relatives you barely knew, but the money never
I’d never survive in Canada, it’s so cold so cold I’d ask random strangers to set me on fire
It’s easier for me to bite than my dogs, my neighbors finally get it
I’m so damn good at making people mad that even the Dalai Lama would stop meditating to scream at me
Watching the history channel and feeling clever when the guy said “and this dinosaur was called pterodactyl” and I’m thinking “called by who, there was nobody there”
I was arrested on suspicion of accessory to peeing in a pigpen but my lawyer says they’ll drop the charges if I squeal
I bought an online course to improve my memory but forgot the password to access it
Nothing says disinterest more than The Flash being late for a Justice League meeting
I just think mosquitos should go vegan and stop eating me alive
This is my first Christmas without my dad, and like he used to say, “don’t fill your plate if you can’t finish it” so today I’m only having dessert
Insomnia: she’s not going to sleep again and it’s all your fault
Coffee: she likes me strong and takes me late at night
Me: can you two stop talking about me like I’m not right here
Never go out with a flight attendant,
all you’ll get for breakfast is a bag of peanuts and instant coffee.
[while house is on fire]
Firefighter: wake up ma’am, your house is on fire.
Me: can’t you see I’m sleeping?
F: but the house is on fire.
Me: 9 out of 10 people wish to die while sleeping, and we’re most likely to die at 11 am *looks at clock* You just ruined a perfect death.
My hair is so strong you can floss your teeth with it
– me flirting
Parents, make your children study or they will end up on twitter trying to sell you something
You know the sex is bad when you start counting how many bugs got caught in the ceiling fan, and much worse when you only make it to three