@junejuly12 My friends are arguing about heating leftover pizza or eating it cold, and I’m over here wondering why they have leftover pizza.
@junejuly12 @junejuly12 If you tell your coworkers you sleep in the nude, no one bothers you when you close your office doors at 2pm every day.
@junejuly12 Doesn’t eat all day cause jeans shopping later.
@junejuly12 No, you try explain to a 6 year-old why Superman doesn’t wear a mask.
@junejuly12 To the woman who just honked at me to leave this parking spot, I suddenly have dozens of urgent emails to respond to.
@junejuly12 *sees sharp scissors, hot glue guns, and simmering office rage*
Maybe team building with arts and crafts wasn’t such a great idea.
@junejuly12 Him: How was your day?
Me: Do you think my house key is sharp enough to sever a carotid artery?
Him: *opens four bottles of wine*
@junejuly12 Only recently discovering that math is a branch of science probably explains my math marks in high school.
@junejuly12 Me: Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. A big one.
Priest: Murder, my child?
Me: Worse. Pronounced the ‘t’ in often.
Priest: *gasp*
@junejuly12 A woman just left the liquor store without buying anything.
I can only assume she was dropped on her head as a baby.