
My friends are arguing about heating leftover pizza or eating it cold, and I’m over here wondering why they have leftover pizza.
My friends are arguing about heating leftover pizza or eating it cold, and I’m over here wondering why they have leftover pizza.
If you tell your coworkers you sleep in the nude, no one bothers you when you close your office doors at 2pm every day.
Doesn’t eat all day cause jeans shopping later.
No, you try explain to a 6 year-old why Superman doesn’t wear a mask.
To the woman who just honked at me to leave this parking spot, I suddenly have dozens of urgent emails to respond to.
*sees sharp scissors, hot glue guns, and simmering office rage*
Maybe team building with arts and crafts wasn’t such a great idea.
Him: How was your day?
Me: Do you think my house key is sharp enough to sever a carotid artery?
Him: *opens four bottles of wine*
Only recently discovering that math is a branch of science probably explains my math marks in high school.
Me: Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. A big one.
Priest: Murder, my child?
Me: Worse. Pronounced the ‘t’ in often.
Priest: *gasp*
A woman just left the liquor store without buying anything.
I can only assume she was dropped on her head as a baby.