@junejuly12

My friends are arguing about heating leftover pizza or eating it cold, and I’m over here wondering why they have leftover pizza.

@junejuly12

If you tell your coworkers you sleep in the nude, no one bothers you when you close your office doors at 2pm every day.

@junejuly12

He said he wants to be my Sugar Daddy, and I thought awesome, I love cookies.

@junejuly12

I used a maternity leave to grow out my bangs.

And that is why she will always be my favourite child.

@junejuly12

Troubleshooting steps when your car won’t start in the morning:

1. Call in sick
2. Go back to bed

@junejuly12

Top 5 forms of torture

5. Sleep deprivation
4. Dentist drills
3. Solitary confinement
2. Water boarding
1. Cilantro

@junejuly12

Little known Chinese proverb – He who walks barefoot in a dog’s backyard will be sorry

@junejuly12

When she says she needs more intimacy; she means your feelings, not your colonoscopy report.

@junejuly12

Maybe the caveman who discovered fire was wearing corduroys and running late for a meeting.