@junejuly12

If you tell your coworkers you sleep in the nude, no one bothers you when you close your office doors at 2pm every day.

@junejuly12

Seeing a woman drinking, smoking, and gambling while in her wedding dress makes me realize I need to up my multi-tasking game.

@junejuly12

*eats Big Mac meal*
*has two ice cream cones for dessert*
*drives by gym*

*wonders why new diet and fitness plan isn’t working*

@junejuly12

*gleefully prepares egg salad sandwiches for milestone birthday party of office nemesis*

@junejuly12

[Coffee line]

*Sees cute barista*
*Twirls hair*
No whipped cream please
*Sees his backward sunglasses*
*Drops hand*
Never mind. Load it up.

@junejuly12

Apparently “if you must draw your eyebrows on, please draw them evenly” was not the tip this waitress was expecting.

@junejuly12

I just play poker so I can say I’m going all in without smirking.

@junejuly12

Maybe money can’t buy Happy but it can probably buy Dopey at a good price.

@junejuly12

[First Date]

Me: *licks corner of napkin*
Me: *dabs at his cheek*
Him: ……………
Me: Sorry. Force of habit.

@junejuly12

I can’t be the only one worried about where spiders go in winter.