
If you tell your coworkers you sleep in the nude, no one bothers you when you close your office doors at 2pm every day.
If you tell your coworkers you sleep in the nude, no one bothers you when you close your office doors at 2pm every day.
Seeing a woman drinking, smoking, and gambling while in her wedding dress makes me realize I need to up my multi-tasking game.
*eats Big Mac meal*
*has two ice cream cones for dessert*
*drives by gym**wonders why new diet and fitness plan isn’t working*
*gleefully prepares egg salad sandwiches for milestone birthday party of office nemesis*
[Coffee line]
*Sees cute barista*
*Twirls hair*
No whipped cream please
*Sees his backward sunglasses*
*Drops hand*
Never mind. Load it up.
Apparently “if you must draw your eyebrows on, please draw them evenly” was not the tip this waitress was expecting.
I just play poker so I can say I’m going all in without smirking.
Maybe money can’t buy Happy but it can probably buy Dopey at a good price.
[First Date]
Me: *licks corner of napkin*
Me: *dabs at his cheek*
Him: ……………
Me: Sorry. Force of habit.
I can’t be the only one worried about where spiders go in winter.