@junejuly12

My friends are arguing about heating leftover pizza or eating it cold, and I’m over here wondering why they have leftover pizza.

@junejuly12

If you tell your coworkers you sleep in the nude, no one bothers you when you close your office doors at 2pm every day.

@junejuly12

No, you try explain to a 6 year-old why Superman doesn’t wear a mask.

@junejuly12

To the woman who just honked at me to leave this parking spot, I suddenly have dozens of urgent emails to respond to.

@junejuly12

*sees sharp scissors, hot glue guns, and simmering office rage*

Maybe team building with arts and crafts wasn’t such a great idea.

@junejuly12

Him: How was your day?

Me: Do you think my house key is sharp enough to sever a carotid artery?

Him: *opens four bottles of wine*

@junejuly12

Only recently discovering that math is a branch of science probably explains my math marks in high school.

@junejuly12

Me: Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. A big one.

Priest: Murder, my child?

Me: Worse. Pronounced the ‘t’ in often.

Priest: *gasp*

@junejuly12

A woman just left the liquor store without buying anything.

I can only assume she was dropped on her head as a baby.