If you tell your coworkers you sleep in the nude, no one bothers you when you close your office doors at 2pm every day.
Seeing a woman drinking, smoking, and gambling while in her wedding dress makes me realize I need to up my multi-tasking game.
*eats Big Mac meal*
*has two ice cream cones for dessert*
*drives by gym*
*wonders why new diet and fitness plan isn’t working*
*gleefully prepares egg salad sandwiches for milestone birthday party of office nemesis*
*Sees cute barista*
No whipped cream please
*Sees his backward sunglasses*
Never mind. Load it up.
Apparently “if you must draw your eyebrows on, please draw them evenly” was not the tip this waitress was expecting.
I just play poker so I can say I’m going all in without smirking.
Maybe money can’t buy Happy but it can probably buy Dopey at a good price.
Me: *licks corner of napkin*
Me: *dabs at his cheek*
Me: Sorry. Force of habit.
I can’t be the only one worried about where spiders go in winter.