“Don’t let me keep you”
Translation: Please go.
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[father and son riding bikes together]
dad, how’d you get so good?
[doing a wheelie] I’ve had a lot of DUIs
My friend has canceled our lunch plans three days in a row. I’m starting to think she really doesn’t like lunch.
Me: i think i’m being hunted by a great white shark
Wife: nonsense, we’re on land
*Weirdly-shaped grandfather clock i don’t remember owning exhales sigh of relief*
Never underestimate an underachiever. We’re capable of less than you think.
Don’t go hunting down relationships or looking for love. Let it find you. Naturally.
You know, like a jogger finding a body on the trails.
12: I can’t wait to be an adult.
Me: I can’t wait for you to find out how wrong you were about this.
My 4yo asked me for a ninja shaped pancake. I made her a circle because that’s all my pancake making skill level allows me to make. She was like, “umm… where’s the ninja??” So I told her that it’s so fast you can’t see it and she said “wow! Thanks mom!” Lmao
At the pub, it’s my job to inform people of the roots of words. I’m the designated deriver.
My boyfriend’s really happy we can meet up again now lockdown’s over
My husband not so much so
Boys who wear sports jerseys are just cosplaying athletes but no one is ready to have that conversation yet.
*lights a joint*
Woah, fire! Ow! My elbow!
Please don’t get vaccinated. There’s way too many of you.
Blessed is the one who can fall asleep before the snoring partner
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
Random Company: “Why would you like to work for our company?”
Me: “Well sir/madam, I’ve grown very fond of eating and having a roof over my head and I don’t want to lose that.”
Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?
Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.
I couldn’t afford Botox so I just stopped making facial expressions about 15 years ago
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
Me: Do you like being right-handed?
Hubby: Umm, sure… why?
Me: Take another one of my fries again and see…
judge: objection sustained. will counsel please rephrase the question.
me: alright, which *specific* Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle would you make out with and why?
Me: So you were stuck in Limbo? What was that like?
Spirit: Not too bad, really. It was better than that time I got stuck in a conga line.
me: *quarantines self*
*runs out of wine*
me: *unquarantines self*
You, idiot magician: I’ve sawed a lady in half!
Me, brilliant English teacher: you’ve SEEN a lady in half
My daughter woke me up at 5 am to urgently tell me “any balloon spongebob blows up is technically a water balloon” & I have not been able to fall back asleep
I like how there was a resurgence in the past few years of vinyl records, the most inconvenient of all possible media since the stone tablet.
My 3yo just realized that when he’s an adult he can drive himself to get donuts and he’s gonna need a minute
My kids just introduced themselves as “Let’s Go” and “We’re Late”
someone’s job on Star Trek TNG was sourcing ridiculous little cups and they were incredible at it
Me: Here comes that hot single mom.
Brain: Talk to her!
Me: What should I say?
Brain: Anything!*points at baby*
Me: You gonna eat that?
I accept CASH APOLOGIES ONLY. Thats why its called ACCOUNTABILITY…it goes into my ACCOUNT