My wife said she for Lent she was giving up eating meat. I thought she did that after the wedding vows.
You’re Twitter famous. Cool, cool.
I won a dodgeball tournament in 3rd grade and I got a real trophy for that.
I am angry but not like really angry. More like Facebook angry where I call you letters of the alphabet. You F’ing B.
Me: What’s for dinner?
Me: I will make the Duck Sauce.
*fires up juicer
15 just texted me that she was on her period and needed a chocolate bar.
How absorbent could a chocolate bar even be?!
My daughter wants a smart car for her 16th birthday. She thinks it will do her geometry homework.
If life was fair, piñatas would take sticks and beat the shit outta little kids to get their candy back.
My wife just said we should have another baby. I hope she didn’t mean together.
I once went out with a girl that said she was flexible like a Slinky. Two flights of stairs later, I decided she wasn’t.
I hang out with people smarter than me so when the zombies attack they will eat their brains first while I escape. Who’s the idiot now Mom!?