The Little Mermaid was a hoarder.
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Husband: *sleeping soundly*
Me: *shakes him* Honey, are you awake?
My 9yo just made a poster for his new math tutoring service, which he claims is “free,” “easy,” and “not under investigation by the state.”
Told my wife I’d marry her all over again, and we both understood it would only be to get more gifts.
Why spend money on graduate school when my mom can give you the third degree for free
3rd eye: youre on drugs
4th eye: youre a nerd
5th-7th eyes: ???
8th eye: you are now a spider
9th eye: spider on drugs
16th eye: nerd spider
Judge: so your petition says irreconcilable differences
Me: yesterday he wore Nike shoes with Adidas socks
Judge: divorce granted
My favorite type of men is ramen.
cushion on the right slightly discoloured
So all them black Harry Potter wizards just sat there and let slavery happen?
What?!?
Good morning to everyone except people that can tell the difference between ‘Under Pressure’ and ‘Ice Ice Baby’ as soon at the song starts.
doktor: are you enjoying the weather?
me: yes. it is very outside
When someone tells you “you don’t even know the half of it,” like it or not you’re about to hear the whole of it.
Wanna feel smart? I just texted my sister a picture of her phone she left here
OH MY GOD I FORGOT TO UNPLUG THE TOASTER
[flash to dog in sunglasses waiting for his fifth batch of waffles to pop up]
I’m all for the scientific method.
Right now I’m experimenting to see how much swearing makes other parents stop inviting you to things.
Stop folding your fitted sheets. Roll them up into a ball like the rest of us.
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
Him: I know your secret
Me:*nervously sweating, remembering my Netflix history* Yeah?
H: You killed someone
M: *relieved* Oh, haha. Yep
Yes opposites attract, my husband dunks basketballs and I dunk donuts.
(Inception)
Leonardo DiCaprio: where’d he go?
me: *wakes up to pee for the 4th time*
Dog: can i eat this?
Me: no i was just-
Dog: [swallowing] thanks
Flying to China to meet my inflatable boyfriend’s parents.
[before animals were invented]
plants: this is nice
“I’ll catch up with you, I just have to make ONE more joke on Twitter” (How I’d die in a horror movie)
“Do not look that up on urban dictionary,” is a nice way of saying “ready the eyeball bleach, because I know you’re gonna.”
Nothing more humiliating than sending a text message with a picture and the picture doesn’t send for ages and now you’ve said something sooo odd out of context
Starting another round of pottery classes. I may just be a beginner, but I’m feeling inspired. What should I make tonight?
a. A bowl
or
b. A bowl
What Kermit (the frog) is called in different countries:
10. Kermit (Denmark)
9. Kermit (France)
8. Kermit (Japan)
7. Kermit (Slovakia)
6. Kermit (Italy)
5. Kermit (Canada)
4. Kermit (Iceland)
3. Kermit (the Netherlands)
2. Kermit (Poland)
1. Gustavo (Spain)