surely this is the hangover that will teach me my lesson
oh you homeschool your kids? that’s cool i actually homehospital myself. that’s where i avoid the doctor and go on webMD until i start crying
“the only thing standing between you and your dreams is you” yeah have you met me that’s gonna be a problem
“your password is too weak” just wait until you see my impulse control
cover letters are so embarrassing. why am i writing a love letter to this email job
“what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” oh it’s ok you can just kill me next time
imagine you get to the gates of heaven and they make you download an app to go in
doctor: do you drink alcohol?
me: yeah a couple times a week
doctor (pulling out a bottle of whiskey and two cups): ok amazing it’s been a really tough week actually
i don’t really care how u met your partner. tell me about how you met your nemesis
i know i’m gonna be alone forever because one time i went on a date with a guy who told me he was an optometrist for the veterans association and i said “haven’t they seen enough”
i shouldn’t have written “never change” in all those boys’ yearbooks in high school, seems like some of them took my advice
tired of age gap discourse. now let’s do vibes gap discourse, where one person in a couple lights up a room and the other is basically a sim
longing is fun but i prefer “shorting,” where i want something for like a day and then realize never mind
why is it called “free time” when i use it to spend all my money
for my next trick i will fall asleep 15 minutes into the movie i begged us to watch