i shouldn’t have written “never change” in all those boys’ yearbooks in high school, seems like some of them took my advice
tired of age gap discourse. now let’s do vibes gap discourse, where one person in a couple lights up a room and the other is basically a sim
longing is fun but i prefer “shorting,” where i want something for like a day and then realize never mind
why is it called “free time” when i use it to spend all my money
for my next trick i will fall asleep 15 minutes into the movie i begged us to watch
(me to my doctor) if you don’t have anything nice to say you shouldn’t say anything at all
you can be anything when you grow up. For instance i am very tired
my best friend and i made a pact that if we’re both still single when we’re 40 we will go on a horrifying nationwide crime spree
my local grocery store is rapidly losing control of the phrase chicken cutlets
airports are so funny. like “oh you’re flying across the country? would you like to hang out in a mall first”
“no one remembers the weird thing you said at that party” actually the weird thing you said has become a sacred inside joke that bonded several people at that party together forever
i actually have so much empathy for pigeons. we’re all just waking around the city together eating garbage and almost getting hit by cars
new york is like a toxic boyfriend, all winter you’re like why does he treat me this way and then spring hits and you’re like wow he loves me so so much
i may not be the smartest person in the room. i may not be the most interesting, or the most successful person in the room. but i’m definitely in the room
me: is there a doctor on this plane?????
doctor: i’m a doctor
me: my mom wants us to meet