A library patron stops in her tracks at the reference desk, studies me, and says: “You’ve gotten a few gray hairs!”
“Yeah, I get one every time there’s something I want to say out loud at work but hold it in instead. Oops, there’s a new one.”
You Might Also Like
Breaking news:
When I die, I want to donate my hands and feet to become the hands and feet of a snowman so people will think “Wow that snowman has a person inside!” But as it slowly melts they will realize that it’s just my severed hands and feet.
SPOILER ALERT: the girl the singer of The Piña Colada Song meets turns out to be “his own lovely lady!”
“Just act natural,” I say to myself as I purchase a spade and two large bags of cement.
You don’t need to buy an expensive exercise machine. Just do what I did and get a bean bag chair.
Is fake venison called venisn’t
Never turn your back while kids are in the bath.
Drown shmown!
Those punks are gonna dump a whole bottle of shampoo in for mega bubble bath
John Lennon: imagine all the people
Me: ew
The longer you’re married, the more foreplay it takes to get her excited. I’m up to a week and a half now 🤨
Overheard a woman telling another woman “It’s $150 and she supplies all the turtles” and whatever it is, I’m in.
Turns out pizza has everything I’m looking for in a woman
You can count on your dog to be the first responder when anything or anyone drops to the floor.
Say what you will, but at least both of my AirPods still work.
Probably.
If I can just remember where the hell…
“That video conference call went extremely well!” I say to myself, having arrived late, mouthed ‘hello’ while on mute, and left before it was over because I noticed my underwear drawer was open and overflowing in the background the whole time. “Yes, quite well.”
Jesus: so just a dinner with the boys?
Judas:
Me (to my husband): That’s not where that goes.
Husband: At work, we have a saying: Is it wrong or is it different?
Me: It’s wrong.
Fight fire with water. Idiots.
“WHAT ARE WE TO TELL THE CHILDREN ABOUT GAYS MARRYING?”
Dunno. I’ll ask my 5-year-old, who just married her stuffed bear to a stuffed pony.
[The Rapture]
Me: *trapped on the ceiling like a balloon*
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
Ironically, my toys are also called Buzz and Woody
I’m willing to go through a weeks worth of training at McDonalds just so I can say “Have a great McFuckin day” to people until I get fired.
[being beat down with health, family, work issues]
Me: I will remain positive at all times
[my bagel sandwich falls on the floor]
Me: I am going to fire God
Alien 1: we’re abducting you
Alien 2: taking you to our home planet
Me: oh no, captured on a planet full of aliens
Alien 1: actually since it’s our planet, you’re the alien
Me: good point. that means I’m the one who does the probing
Alien 1: wait, no-
Alien 2: she’s right Blork
This fake stomach ache feels like I’ll be leaving work early today to go to a bar to watch the Steelers game.
Friend: when you first meet, tell her she looks prettier in person
Me: ok
[Later]
Her: Hi!
Me: Hi you look uglier online
[slamming back a whole creme egg without chewing, foil and all, in front of a horrified shopkeeper] another
waiter: have you decided
me: yes, we’ll have the garbage bag that smells like scraps of salmon and coffee grinds
my date, who is a raccoon: perfect
Him: why do you keep poking me ?
Her: I’m looking for the mute button