@kibblesmith

“SELF CARE!” I scream as my trench coat full of monkeys scurries toward everyone’s wallets and watches.

@kibblesmith

I have a huge advantage in Wordle because I have had the alphabet memorized for over 10 years.

@kibblesmith

When I die, please don’t blame the year. Blame the alligator responsible.

@kibblesmith

Hey “La La Land” remember when you gave us that fake happy ending and then took it away

How’s it feel

@kibblesmith

Amazon is a $250 billion dollar company that reacts to you buying a vacuum by going THIS GUY LOVES BUYING VACUUMS HERE ARE SOME MORE VACUUMS

@kibblesmith

Nice try “Marco Rubio” — or should I say…

[rearranges letters]

“BIRAC UBOMA”

[audience gasps]

@kibblesmith

The genie sang that whole song about how he’s gonna be Aladdin’s best friend ever right in front of the monkey

@kibblesmith

But if two men get married, they’ll BOTH be stupid in detergent commercials and then no one will buy the correct detergent.

@kibblesmith

Good news class—you are exactly 9 years old, so from here on out, we’ll exclusively be reading books where the dog dies.