@kibblesmith “SELF CARE!” I scream as my trench coat full of monkeys scurries toward everyone’s wallets and watches.
@kibblesmith 
@kibblesmith I have a huge advantage in Wordle because I have had the alphabet memorized for over 10 years.
@kibblesmith When I die, please don’t blame the year. Blame the alligator responsible.
@kibblesmith Hey “La La Land” remember when you gave us that fake happy ending and then took it away
How’s it feel
@kibblesmith Amazon is a $250 billion dollar company that reacts to you buying a vacuum by going THIS GUY LOVES BUYING VACUUMS HERE ARE SOME MORE VACUUMS
@kibblesmith Nice try “Marco Rubio” — or should I say…
[rearranges letters]
“BIRAC UBOMA”
[audience gasps]
@kibblesmith The genie sang that whole song about how he’s gonna be Aladdin’s best friend ever right in front of the monkey
@kibblesmith But if two men get married, they’ll BOTH be stupid in detergent commercials and then no one will buy the correct detergent.
@kibblesmith Good news class—you are exactly 9 years old, so from here on out, we’ll exclusively be reading books where the dog dies.