@knot_eye

Podiatrists don’t use metric.

They only deal with feet.

@knot_eye

[sees woman reading]

“Gone With The Wind? Great book! I love how the *clenches fist* tornado takes Dorothy & Toto to the Land Of Oz.”

@knot_eye

[ouija board]

How are you feeling?

*board begins spelling*
O-O-E-Y–G-O-O-E-Y

What the!? A cheesy board!?

G-O-U-D-A–G-U-E-S-S

@knot_eye

I was so happy my mail order bride arrived today.

My Wife wasn’t.

She did say I can use the crate as a doghouse.

Odd, we don’t own a dog.

@knot_eye

[at work]

CW: Hey, I found your Twi…

Me: *jumps out window*

CW: …Twinkies.

@knot_eye

I just vacuumed my dog to cut down on indoor shedding, if you’re looking for a life coach or whatever.

@knot_eye

Her: I bet you forgot it.

Him: I have a photographic memory.
[shakes violently]

Her: ?

Him: Sorry, it’s a Polaroid. Is it Becky?

Her: NO

@knot_eye

Me: You say all the right things.

Her: I didn’t say anything.

Me: Shhh Don’t ruin this for me.

@knot_eye

I can’t be the only one that sees the day when
a direct message from a catfish is called carp DM.

@knot_eye

Upon graduation from the University of Phoenix, do they just send you a screencap of your degree?