@krissywillbretz

*calls psychic hotline*
Psychic: how can I help you?
Me: well this is bullshit.

@krissywillbretz

Got fired from my job at the candy heart factory. Apparently “You’ll Do” isn’t romantic.

@krissywillbretz

Me: In high school I was voted most likely to cut my own bangs with safety scissors.
Interviewer: I meant any professional achievements.

@krissywillbretz

[god creating raccoons]
Angel: what do I do with all the leftover tiny people hands?
God: hand me those cats.

@krissywillbretz

[Spelling bee]
Dad Judge: your word is “arson”
Contestant: can you use it in a sentence?
Dad Judge: You’re not arson, you’re adopted.

@krissywillbretz

A good way to get kicked out of church is to shout “HOLE!” after every chorus of “Glory, Glory, Glory”.

@krissywillbretz

[ER]
Me: I CANT FEEL MY LEGS AM I DYING DOC?
Dr: *loosens my belt*unbuttons my pants*
Me: is this appropriate? *blood returns to legs* oh.

@krissywillbretz

When I said “I’m really good in bed” I was referring to sleeping. Sorry for the misunderstanding, you can pull your pants up now.

@krissywillbretz

Brain: stop eating!
Me: why
B: you’ll get fat
M: so?
B: there’s only enough vodka to catch a buzz on an empty stomach!
M: oh *stops eating*

@krissywillbretz

Searched my teens room for drugs, was told “you don’t give me enough money for drugs.” I don’t know whether to be proud or up his allowance.