I waved at this lady who I thought was waving at me but as it turns out she was actually waving to someone behind me, so to save face I hailed a cab and had it take me home, now I’m doing the walk of shame back to where my car is parked so I can drive it back home too
I wish companies would use pictures of models looking frazzled and exhausted on their websites so I can get a real idea of what their clothes will look like on me
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog
I can’t believe someone had the audacity to tell ME *gestures wildly at self* that I’m dramatic
Them: Hey girl what’s your sign
Me: McDonalds Open 24 hours
Just saw a video where Gordon Ramsey was struggling to say “Worcestershire sauce”, and honestly guys, if he can’t do it there’s no hope for the rest of us
Everyone talks about having an inner child but I have an inner raccoon who tells me to embrace the dark circles under my eyes, sleep all day and eat delicious trash
We don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you a little bit and decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “she’s being weird again”
I’m not sure what a Doja Cat is but sadly I’ve learned it’s not a place for your cats to practice their karate moves
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
Therapist: Go to your happy place
Me: Ok
Therapist: Good, where are you?
Me: In a bathtub full of Sausage Egg McMuffins
Therapist: I’m sorry, what?
Me: The beach, I said the beach
*Goes to Nirvana themed
“Come as you are” Party**Gets arrested for indecent exposure*
“Are you an adult?”
Yeah, but not like on purpose or anything
Can we all just agree that fries are really just nude poutine?
When the DJ puts Thriller on at the wedding
