me: *summoning the hot dog demon by nailing a shitload of hot dogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hot dog demon: not you again
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the “b” and “d” in “backward” are really just there as an example
[watching Queer Eye]
tan france on TV: *holding up a shirt* this is ghaaastly. this is the oogliest shirt i have evah seen.
me at home: *looks down* *is wearing the exact same shirt*
I don’t like Haiku because you have to do poetry AND math.
Legend states that when you’re struggling with the kids and at your absolute breaking point, a stranger will immediately appear to say, ‘you sure look like you have your hands full’ before laughing and walking away
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
I’m locked out. Come let me in.
[first day as waiter]
Me: the chef recommends the carb-free hamburger wrap with—
Sir Mix-A-Lot: 🎶My anaconda don’t want none unle—
Me: sir you can’t bring pets into the restaurant
[first date]
me: don’t let her know you vocalise everything you think
her: what?
me: shit she knows
Just a reminder your kids will be left to clean out your belongings when you die and will find ‘the bedroom drawer’.
*walks outside to see an abandoned post-apocalyptic desert, humanity wiped out, no one to be seen*
“Ugh the ONE day my hair looks perfect”
I have hidden my son’s socks in his sock drawer where he will never find them.
4: mommy? *takes bite*
Me: yes, love?
4: *chewing* I’m hungry.
Me: …I have good news
I think illegal drugs are just the government trying to teach the metric system on the sly.
“Honey, can you come here?”
“What is it?”
“There’s something in the tub.”
“Spider?”
“I don’t think so.”
“Just squish it.”
“Can you please do it?”
“Stop being such a baby.”
Me: I know it hurts, but you’ll learn to love again.
Sheep: I don’t know. I can’t even look at ewe right now.
My husband started exercising and now I have to start exercising out of spite.
TRUMP: if elected i’ll build a protective wall. I’ll call it the great wall
*advisor whispers in his ear*
i’ll call it the really great wall
I decided not to put my clocks back so from hence forth I shall be on time for everything.
Review of Black Holes: Zero Stars
[liquor store]
Him: Did you see a cat in here? I know I just heard purring.
Me: *looking at huge boxed wine selection*
Him: Oh, it’s you.
FAMILY MEETING!
And, just like that, dad had the whole house to himself…
Curious George Turns Off Google Image Safe Search
Son: I want a LEGO Millennium Falcon for Christmas
Me: *checking price online* would you settle for the actual Millennium Falcon?
My years of napping and making out with strangers have prepared me for a solid career as a CPR dummy
To my followers in Florida in the path of the hurricane: Remember to keep your phone charged. These tweets don’t “like” themselves.
At my funeral I won’t need a coffin. I will be cremated from the neck down and my head will be on a stick. If you want to say anything about me you have to hold my head stick
God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm
Penguin: got it
God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost
Kangaroo: Love it
God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best
Bird: wait, what?
Keep in mind that parenting guides are written by people with enough free time & financial resources to write a parenting guide.
When they ask if you got a minute and then you sit and watch the typing bubbles for 15 min.
MOM: Goodnight. Sleep tight. Don’t let the bedbugs bite.
ME: I’d like to see them TRY *slowly pulls katana from beneath pillow*
Them: So why did you guys get divorced? Did he cheat?
Me: We went to Costco on a Saturday.