I’ll totally stroke your ego while you’re replacing my windshield wipers for me ’cause I’m nice like that
My dog loses her goddamn mind when I pull a treat from behind her ear
No, it’s fine. I watched some cartoons and now I feel a little more at ease with your stupidness
“I like green peppers, but they don’t like me anymore haha.”
They never liked you. They don’t have feelings because they’re food, Barbara.
It’s like you don’t even care that I filled my pockets with mashed potatoes and gravy for you
It was when he said no nunchucks in the kitchen that I knew our relationship was doomed
Them: I’ll be right back
Me: That’s not necessary
The only running I do is to the microwave to catch the beep before the dog hears it go off
Apparently losing my mind was not the answer they expected when they asked what my plans for the weekend are
Twitter is composed of all the kids who used to giggle in sex ed
Apparently the people at this laundromat don’t appreciate me folding their underwear for them. Lame.
Them: you shouldn’t drink so much caffeine it’s bad for you
Me: I shouldn’t have to work this much to afford my rent either but here we are
I hate who I was when I packed a healthy dinner to bring to work
My neighbor was all like sorry I can’t stop to chat I’m running late. And I was all like it’s my lucky day. And she was like what. And I was all like have a great day!
I just imagined what it would be like to cut eyeholes in a slice of provolone cheese and wear it like a mask. So yeah I’m fine.
“No pain, no gain!” I scream at myself while bending over to cut my toenails
Easily distracted by chicken salad sandwiches
Sometimes I like to stand up really fast to remember what drugs feel like
Spiraling into madness while watching the slow texter’s dots bounce
I never see my neighbors. Unless I’m walking through the kitchen pulling my bra through my sleeve, glance out the window, and then it’s all like heyyyy