Screaming out “BOOM PREGNANT!” during sex is never as funny as you think it will be.
Accidentally ate the sticker on my apple. This wouldn’t have happened if it had been a Snickers.
Shaved my legs for the 1st time in forever today. It was like taking a bulldozer to the rainforest. Birds flying out, villagers scattering.
I saw my friend’s kids at Walmart and they told me they were lost and I was like “good luck guys” and walked away. I’d be a great mother.
How do I tell a guy that I’m only interested in him because I’d like to take selfies with his puppy?
Watching a show about women who choose to give birth outside. Like, let’s take the most painful experience of my life and add bugs and shit.
Friend asks me to be her maid of honor:
M-What do I have to do?
F-Well I know you, so I’m expecting very little.
Listen google, it’s 2015. I need you to figure out who I’m talking about when I type “that one guy in that movie I didn’t like.”
One of my friends had a baby today, and another got a puppy. I think we all know which one I’m going to visit.
I thought about getting silk sheets to seem sexy, but then I realized nobody would be turned on by me falling out of bed 6 times a night.