@liljonlovitz

[sylvester stallone hides behind something in a movie]
me to no one: they don’t call him sly for nothing

@liljonlovitz

[me as a passenger on the titanic]
oh ewww are there olives in this salad? YOU be quiet lillian, i swear this trip cannot possibly get worse

@liljonlovitz

[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]

@liljonlovitz

HER: [whispering seductively] tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: [also whispering] owning a home

@liljonlovitz

[to an inflatable tube man waving outside a car dealership]
i feel like you’re overreacting. these are moderate savings at best

@liljonlovitz

[commercial]
WOMAN: have u ever wondered what would happen if a car alarm could swim?
NARRATOR: geese

@liljonlovitz

BRAIN: you need to let loose a little, have some fun
ME: rainbow colored goldfish crackers it is

@liljonlovitz

ME: here’s your bday present!
BUDDY: [tries to grab it but it won’t budge] did u wrap your own hand flipping the bird again
ME: just open it

@liljonlovitz

[the noise of everyone talking at a party randomly goes silent]
ME: i call hot dogs meat pickles

@liljonlovitz

NASA: what makes u qualified for our mission to mars?
ME: i desperately want to be shot into deep space, where there are definitely no geese