Don’t tell me to “relax” and then get mad when I pee my pants.
if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy
[showing colleague a pic on phone]
“NO! Don’t scroll left!”
My face falls as he sees my erotic photo collection of donuts on plates.
Dance like nobody’s watching. Sing like nobody’s listening. Walk around the party eating the cheeseball like an apple.
Thought I saw a brownie walk by but it was just my dog. Other than that, diet is going well.
if you take a selfie at a dad’s funeral, his hand will rise up out of the casket and give you bunny ears
-trying to put on my distressed denim jeans
My circle of trust is a meatball
My boss threw a Snickers at me and I caught it one handed so I think I’d be a good athlete if sports were played with candy bars