@lionheaded_

Don’t tell me to “relax” and then get mad when I pee my pants.

@lionheaded_

if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy

@lionheaded_

[showing colleague a pic on phone]
“NO! Don’t scroll left!”
My face falls as he sees my erotic photo collection of donuts on plates.

@lionheaded_

Dance like nobody’s watching. Sing like nobody’s listening. Walk around the party eating the cheeseball like an apple.

@lionheaded_

Thought I saw a brownie walk by but it was just my dog. Other than that, diet is going well.

@lionheaded_

if you take a selfie at a dad’s funeral, his hand will rise up out of the casket and give you bunny ears

@lionheaded_

Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
-trying to put on my distressed denim jeans

@lionheaded_

My boss threw a Snickers at me and I caught it one handed so I think I’d be a good athlete if sports were played with candy bars