I like ordering delivery pizza from two different locations as a race. I prize myself as the winner with two pizzas.
Marie Kondo Vs. Hoarders
“Do these 370 cats bring you joy?”
“Yes. Get out!”
[at sperm bank]
“Do you have anything on clearance?”
I love how my car’s check engine light turns off. Of course this means the engine has healed on its own.
My mom ran over my imaginary friend, Stephanie. I never told my mom because deep down I wanted Stephanie out of my life.
Family: So how did you two meet?
Me: Tinder.
Family: What’s Tinder?
Me: It’s a game site.
What time will the Easter candy be discounted?
CVS: Mam, please stop calling us. We don’t know yet.
Ok. I’ll call back later.
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along, my father was an avocado.
I asked Mom how she’d like me to honor her when the time came.
She replied, “What makes you think I’m going out first?”
I’d like to pay my .30 library fine with two credit cards please.
I washed my sports bra with the Fitbit still attached and won first place in all my challenges.
The man next to me has cologne so strong that I’m dizzy with hallucinations, plus all those mushrooms I took.
Shout out to the pack of wolves that raised me to be the lady I am today.
I offered to split the check but my date insisted we go old fashion and fight to the death.
*wins $1000*
To claim your prize, create an account and password.
Ugh this will take forever, nevermind.