@lisaxy424

boss: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: HAHAHA

[later]

cw: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: literally never talk to me gary

@lisaxy424

Passed a gym sign that said “Have those new yoga pants been to yoga yet?” and I feel personally attacked.

@lisaxy424

me: I ONLY GOT 3 HOURS OF SLEEP LAST NIGHT AND I FEEL GREAT MY BODY HAS FINALLY LEARNED TO EFFECTIVELY AND EFFICIENTLY USE ENERGY

me, 4 minutes later: o god i am dying

@lisaxy424

I just said “haha omg I love your ugly sweater!” to my CW knowing full well it’s just one of her normal sweaters.

@lisaxy424

[before nap]

I’ll be really productive once I get some sleep!

[after nap]

well now it’s way too late to do anything

@lisaxy424

[someone breaks into the house]

Your dog: I will protect my family and our belongings

My dog: OMG OMG NEW FRIENDS HI I LOVE YOU LETS PLAY

@lisaxy424

my dog when its nice out: *jumps in pond, rolls in dirt, eats goose poo*

when raining: MADAM how DARE u take me into these AWFUL conditions

@lisaxy424

Welcome to “I HEARD THE CAT PUKE BUT DON’T KNOW WHERE” the game where your eyes try to find it before your feet do.

@lisaxy424

Kid: if you could turn invisible, what’s the first thing you would do?
Me: take a nap