I broke up with my boyfriend. He was such a jerk. What a goat!
-Don’t you mean pig?
No. He tried to eat my couch!
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Me: do you like piña coladas?
Date: yes
Me: *marking chart*
Human Robot
——————————
|Me: and getting caught in the rain?
Date: not really
Me: *eyes narrow*
me: you’re killing it
my murderer: that’s so nice of you to say
Writing without pants on is a simple pleasure.
Shame I can’t go back to Starbucks though.
Was gonna climb over some guy’s arm but then I noticed he had a barbed wire tattoo on it.
6: are snakes just neck?
Julius Caesar was born with a silver spoon in his mouth and died with a whole bunch of cutlery in his back.
Matt LeBlanc is short for his full name, Mattress LeBlanket.
the guy who named Newfoundland really didn’t try at all, did he?
My Masseuse just read ‘Cinderella’ to me ~ That’s the last time I ask for a happy ending.
Ignorance is bliss, and rampant.
Her: you haven’t changed since the day we met
Me: THEY’RE MY LUCKY UNDERWEAR
Sometimes I think about starting a podcast and then I remember all I do during conversations is nod.
My current situation
Colossal ancient god: YOUR SACRIFICE?
Me: *frantically googling “gift ideas”*
[on a movie date]
me: wanna kiss
date: no thanks
me: *turning to the other person next to me* what about u
“You got any plans tonight?”
Me: Yeah, sorry I do
The plans:
The irish goodbye: leave without telling anyone
The Midwest goodbye: stand around for 4-8 more hours saying goodbye to the entire party
me: so I went to see a hypnotist to quit smoking
friend: did it work?
me: I’ll let you know once I stop squawking like a chicken
[INT. STARBUCKS – DAY]
Me: Theres a large rat in the bathroom
Barista: ?
Me: A large rat
Barista: ?
Me: THERES A VENTI RAT IN THE BATHROOM
Me: Why does the neighbor always watch me while I’m gardening?
Her: He’s a paramedic.
Best thing about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re about to make a point so people know it’s about to get real.
Pilot, to passengers: Bit of a…uhhhh…problem on the flight deck…ahhhh…anyone know how much the average woodchuck might be able to…uhhhh…chuck?
Guy who loves tongue twisters: *whispering* It’s my time…
If you aren’t happy single, you won’t be happy taken. Real happiness comes from The Cheesecake Factory, not relationships.
71-yr-old Jimmy Page is dating a 25-yr-old. The age difference may seem huge now, but it won’t be as big a deal when she’s 28 and he’s dead.
Twitter is fun because you can post a pic of pizza and people will get mad at you.
Non-believers of Earth being a sphere presumably flatly deny all the evidence.
“Aww. You guys… And it’s not even my real birthday! #flattered .”
-Jesus
Superman comfortably getting dressed in a phone booth indicates he had the body of a 10th grader.
I always try to hold the door open for women I see walk by, so we can talk and get to know each other. But none of them will get in my car.
Son: What are caterpillars afraid of?
Me: It’s unlikely that they experience fear. They’re not self-aware, so…
Son: [sadly] Dogerpillars.