@longwall26

The Story of Volcanos
God: Ok, how about a mountain..
Angel: We got mountains.
God: Lemme finish. That shits fire.
Angel: Metal.
*fist bump*

@longwall26

One day, some dude was all “You know where we should save our money? Inside a statue of a pig,” and everybody went “That is a GREAT idea.”

@longwall26

No self-respecting murderer is going to have the patience to stand there for the twenty or thirty hours it’ll take me to dig my own grave.

@longwall26

Funny how we say “I drank a *pot* of coffee” instead of “I drank fourteen cups of coffee and chased the cat around the hot tub with a sword”

@longwall26

That toddler on a leash at the mall might be an unstoppable killing machine. You really don’t know.

@longwall26

haha just plucked a shoulder hair so long it could only have been written by George R.R. Martin, who is widely known for abjuring brevity in

@longwall26

It must be almost impossible for chalk-outline guys not to turn victims’ hands into turkeys this time of year.

@longwall26

Idea: Always carry around a chicken, so if you’re murdered your chalk outline won’t just be the same old boring shit.

@longwall26

Detective Baby: We got you dead to rights, dirtbag.
*suspect puts face in hands*
Detective Baby: HE’S ESCAPED

@longwall26

Die Hard (1988) A shoeless New Yorker murders a bunch of people at his wife’s office Christmas party.