My husband referred to one of my freckles as an age spot. Details to come on a candlelight vigil held in his honor.
I asked my husband if he liked the song “#1 Crush” and he said it’s garbage, and then I said “yeah, but do you LIKE it?” because he has no clue who sings it and I’m annoying af.
I have friends close enough to finish my sentences, but if they keep doing that, I will hang up on them.
And then I go and spoil it all by saying something stupid like – Never just be yourself. There’s something wrong with you.
I may regret eating so many deviled eggs this weekend, but my family will regret it more.
There’s a 99.9% chance that no one on twitter is your soulmate. There’s also a 99.9% chance your spouse agrees.
Just walked to the mailbox and the neighbor drove his riding mower into a ditch. I would’ve helped him out, but I wasn’t wearing pants.
Did you know you can gain 20 pounds in 2 months, but it takes 3257 days to lose 5 pounds?
Some people exercise on purpose by rowing little boats.
Canoe believe that?
Hate it when I go to the store for a loaf of bread and come back home $100 later.
Pretty sure I burned off a print making dinner, so if anyone needs my right middle finger for doing crimes, hit me up.
Friend: Can you drive me to work next week?
Me: What time?
F: 6 AM
M: 6 AM?! Hold on….
*pushes my car off a bridge*
M: I’m back. No.
My husband’s car radio is broken and stuck on a country station. I feel personally victimized when I have to ride with him.
My husband said when I wear my hair on top of my head, I look like a pineapple or a genie. I told him to pick one fast so I can decide where he sleeps tonight.
Him: Who ate a whole pan of pigs in a blanket??
Me with crescent roll crumbs stuck to my lip: Burglar.