hey (with the intention of stealing your hoodie, your heart, and your fries)
oh you love me? name every curb i’ve ever hit while driving
“you are strong. you are smart,” i whisper to myself as i struggle to figure out whether to push or pull on a door
he told me he likes it rough so i crumbled a nature valley bar in the bed
sorry you tried to win an argument while i was wearing a sundress
i just want world peace. and pop tarts to be fully frosted.
i got my shoelace completely entangled around the pedal of a stationary bike at the gym and had to ask a stranger to untangle me, which took a good solid 7 minutes. but sure put me down as your emergency contact
a girl at starbucks complimented my lip gloss. i didn’t have the heart to tell her it was grease from the rotisserie chicken i just ate in the parking lot.
you can’t piss me off. you’re not the doorknob i keep getting my clothes caught on.
you don’t scare me. you’re not a can of biscuits i’m about to open.
trainer: what’s your fitness goals?
me: to be able to run to the door for my pizza delivery without feeling like I’m dying.
Me: I hate Asian stereotypes
Also me: *hits a parked car 5 times trying to parallel park for 17 minutes while screaming math obscenities
Don’t tell me you’re into the Halloween spirit unless you go into a haunted house willing to die.
Took a DNA test, turns out I’m 100% that one Asian who can’t use chopsticks.
[plane about to crash]
him: if there’s anything you want to say to me, now’s the time.
me: I watched all of Stranger Things without you. Good news is I can tell you how it ends before we die.
therapist: next time someone ghosts you what are you going to do?
me: [singing] who you gonna call? ghostbusters
therapist: get out
*seduces you by wearing a sundress
*ruins it by running in flip flops
therapist: and what did we say you should do when you’re feeling upset?
me: order a large pizza and eat it in the shower while thinking of ways to avenge those who hurt me
therapist: no
My toxic trait is working out for twelve minutes, then rewarding myself with chips and salsa, and eating them until I can no longer breathe.
overrated: crying in the shower
underrated: using the shower rack for all the assorted condiments for your shower tacos